Tug-o-war Christian

I don’t know if you can relate to this, but as stated in a previous post I was raised in the Church.  When I started trying to “fit in” I started doing some really stupid stuff.  I grew up listening to country…suddenly I found myself listening to Snoop Dogg, Dr. Dre, Bone thugs and harmony, limp  bizkit and many other “less than Christian” artists.  I tried to pick up the habit smoking by snagging half smoked cigarettes out of the college ash trays…then I got into shop lifting…until I got caught!  Smoking weed came next, followed by “borrowing” the parent’s car to sneak out and go drink, smoke and party.  I then dabbled in pornography and I became sexually active.  Essentially failing at epically at being a “Christian”.

It was kind of funny though because I was saved and had a working knowledge of my faith…I continued to go to church and youth group and play the christian part.  Then would come summer camp!  PRAISE JESUS MY LIFE WAS CHANGED!  I got home and literally threw away all my “Bad” cd’s, started reading my bible again, stopped all the bad stuff….for about two weeks, then I slowly got bored of christian music and started re-burning all my bad music, started smoking again, etc.

Then a youth group event CHANGED MY LIFE AGAIN!  And the circle continued…I went through this tug-o-war till I was 20 years old!  There is not much in this life as a Christian more stressful than continually failing at being the person God created you to be.  That in and of itself was a constant failure, success, repeat cycle that started me on the path of doubting that God could really sanctify me.

I would tell God, “The world is too strong for me”, “I’m weak and I need you to fix me”, but the struggle continued.  I didn’t know how to be the kind of Christian that God wanted me to be…I mean…I had an idea, but lacked the ability to get outside my head.  And the poor self image and lack of self worth only dowsed the fire with gasoline.  I haven’t totally broken the tug-o-war battle and I’m not sure I ever will, but if you have gone through this or you are in the middle of it here’s my advice, what I had to do to overcome the major hurdles.  Stop hanging out with people who bring you down and encourage you to continue in bad habits known in the Christian dictionary as “Sin”.  Build relationships and spend time with people who model the type of person you want to be.  If you’re habit involves something that needs to be purchased…stop purchasing it.

I happen to believe in the power of prayer.  When I find myself being tugged by the world and it’s standards and my flesh, I first recognize that God would not approve then I stop and pray asking God to remove the desire, the thought, the words from me and tell Him I want to honor Him and to show me how.

To overcome the tug-o-war you truly have to put a higher purpose ahead of yourself.  For me, my wife began as my reason to change and then it ALL came to a head when my first child was born.  My whole perspective and purpose in life changed and that purpose meant making decisions for the betterment of me as my son’s role model as my wife’s Godly husband and as a child of the Most High God.  Start today to develop a purpose bigger than yourself.  You may not have a kid yet, but if you want one some day…do it for the child.  If you just want to be a better follower of Christ, do it for the one who gave His life on the cross for you, who saved you from eternity in hell.  Whatever your reason for making tough choices, make it big, make it important, make it something you get emotional about and run all your decisions through that filter and you will more easily overcome your flesh.

What to be when I grow up

Now that you know some childhood history about me and how I let it affect me, let me continue on that vein to the next step in an epic battle with myself.  Again, I talk about the bad stuff to relate to you with how I allowed my entire life to create who I became so that I can share how I got rid of it.

Throughout High School I took auto mechanics classes.  I fell in love with cars and decided that’s what I wanted to do when I grew up.  After high school I took one college semester of Auto Tech until every car I touched bruised, bled or broke my hands and one morning woke up and decided, NOPE, that’s not what I want to do the rest of my life.  Problem was….I never came up with a plan “B”.

Shortly after that, while working a tech support job for US West Internet I found myself talking to a guy who told me about his $100,000 per year job and it sounded right up my alley and he said the number three school in the country was in Idaho!  I told my family this and Grandma said if you’re gonna go…GO!   And go I did…

However first I needed Idaho residency and so I left home and moved in with my aunt and uncle in Boise Idaho.  They went to church with a guy who worked for Micron and long story short he helped me get a job.  This job really pushed me beyond anything I ever thought I’d do and challenged me in a lot of ways…it truly was my first real job.  Problem was…with the bonus program and free schooling…I never went on to go to school for the reason I left home!!!  I got sucked in…then the economy tanked…bonuses went away and layoffs were scaring all the employees.  While here I thought maybe I’d go to school and become an engineer!  That is…until I asked a couple engineers how they liked their jobs…then I changed my mind!  Once again I found myself not knowing what I wanted to do with my life.  Would I EVER figure it out?  What would it look like?

That’s when a man approached me with an MLM company most know as Amway which at the time was called Quixtar.  This is where the story gets fun.  I worked my butt off at Quixtar.  I read every book, listened to every tape/cd, attended every meeting…I WAS MR. QUIXTAR and I found my retirement plan!  Well like most everyone on the planet, I had some minor successes but in the end spent way more money than I ever made and never did find the success I just KNEW was on the horizon.

Fast forward 10 years…still no success in Quixtar so we left that company to join a new companie…long story short….buit a team of over 300 independent reps and the bottom came out again…another business failure after I thought I found babylon!

Then I get fired from Micron.  Now I don’t know if you’ve ever been fired, but to date, I can’t think of anything more humiliating and degrading than getting fired.  It was possibly the worst day of my life.  Another failure….starting to feel sorry for me yet….well hold back the tears because we are just getting started!

At this point I had no idea where I was going.  I needed a job quick so I sought a position with my uncle’s company selling health and life insurance.  For one year…I got my butt kicked bad!  At the end of one year I ended up quitting, but upon quitting, found out I owed the company over $2000 since they pay advance payments on the plans you set up.  Yep…epic fail.  That’s when I realized I needed a real job with real hours and real paychecks.  After some searching, applying and interviewing I went to work for US Bank where I came out of the gate strong and over the course of two years, beat my head against a wall trying to be someone I can’t.  High pressure sales have never been my thing and I’ve never been whipped for missing goals and I hate cold calling, but it was an everyday thing and I was just miserable….

Well Mom found a new business opportunity for the family just in time…now I’m going to close this with another example of writing stuff on your heart and I want you to pay close attention to this…While I was pursuing my career in network marketing, I realized that fancy cars and big houses didn’t get me emotionally charged, but one thought that always did was this, “When I have a baby, I want me and my wife to be full time parents.”  That thought drove me.  I got emotional about that, but it never happened.  Fast forward again…we launched our new company called Bandals Footwear just this last February.  Four months into it, I was putting my son Eli down for his nap and in the dark, as I was rocking my precious little boy to sleep, it hit me…the one emotional dream I had all these years has come true.  I was home in the middle of the day putting my son to bed.

Let me sum this up for you.  All these years I had no idea what direction to take in life.  I failed again and again and again, but through it all I managed to come up with a dream….a dream that emotionally inspired me.  I carried that dream with me for 11 years…and now I am living the one dream that I could attach emotion to.

Emotions attached to words and experiences will create your reality.  Choose to write positive emotions and talk onto your heart and someday down the road, those planted seeds will yield a like harvest.