I want all the readers to know that I’ll be relating a lot of my dash to my recent readings since this latest book I read helped me identify a lot of issues so forgive me if I over relate.
I was born in Walla Walla Washington October 2nd 1981 to Glenn and Karie Wilson. I was raised as a Christian all my life and never knew anything different. Once I got into school is when my identity started to form. I’d like to think I was a fairly normal child, but what is the standard for normal in the 80’s??? I in fact was a very normal child in a normal family up until about the 4th grade and that’s really when the world grabbed ahold of me.
I heard my first “F” word and I rode into 5th grade listening to Baby Got Back by Sir-Mix-Alot and the blessed MC Hammer. This became my era of coolness. All of a sudden I found myself smack dab in the middle of the “Who’s cool in school” game and I had no idea what I was doing. I did everything I could to fit in from listening to inappropriate music, to swearing, to begging mom and dad for a “Starter” jacket and taking my first dip of chewing tobacco. Whatever I could do to “Fit In”. The sad thing was, I could hang with anyone I wanted, but I never did “Fit In” anywhere. I was like the middle school hobo traveling from group to group, but was never part of any of them, which as you can imagine gave me a severe complex.
That’s also about the time “Girls” appeared! Out of NOWHERE they appeared and I found myself wishing I could be one of the contestants in the “Who can make out the longest on the back patio of the school” competition. Of course my friends tried to set me up with a girl…but she was the “left overs” the one no one else wanted and in a world of cool, I needed to hold out for a prettier chick.
Also during this time I was in sports. Primarily baseball and hockey. I loved baseball. I was pretty dang good at it. But for some unholy reason I was destined to never play for a winning team or a coach who would actually play me. Rather he’d play his inferior son instead of me. Complex…CHECK! After several years of being overlooked and losing, I gave up baseball it was just too hard to lose all the time and to watch it happen from the bench. Hockey wasn’t much better, but it wasn’t long lived either. I was retired after 3 seasons with a broken collar bone. So now what? Well now I ask one of the most popular girls in school who happened to be at that time a super good friend of mine to go steady with me. She, without hesitation, said no…I promptly threw the cat I was holding at her, I guess in an attempt to get her to change her mind. Rejection…Complex….Check Check! So not a couple weeks later…the hottest girl in the 7th grade asks me to go out with her, but because I have next to zero self esteem I told her no because I just knew she was kidding…hind sight is 20/20…please poke my eyes out now oh Lord!
Fast forward to high school. Summer before my freshman year I took up Golf so naturally I joined the Wa-Hi Golf team and thrived there at just below average for two seasons. My junior year I actually qualified for JV legitimately, but was cut from the team to make room for younger up-and-comers who needed the practice more than me because I had no chance of competing in High School Golf.
Am I painting a picture for you. Are you kind of seeing a trend. That was the last sport I ever played competitively.
Back to the girl issues. I had a girlfriend early in high school who ended up living with us after her God parents kicked her out because I was over there when there were no adults home…after about a year with us…we went to Arizona for Christmas and she stayed home…long story short, she bailed on me and my family to go back and live with her abusive ex boyfriend. Slap in the face…Check!
Then it happens…match maker mom finds me a cutie from church who she thinks I should as out. So I do! And she said YES!!! VICTORY!!! We were together for a little over a year and a half. I loved this girl with everything I had in me and to prove it I bought her a ring and she bought me a ring and we were promised to eachother. Well this led to a sexual relationship because I just KNEW we were getting married so what’s the big deal. Well after a great year and a half and literally handing my entire high school time to her…she started attending college and she left me for another guy. You can imagine the devastation and absolute destruction of my identity, self worth and self esteem. I ended up graduating high school with a 2.989 gpa which was really just icing on the cake.
I share all of that with you to give you an idea of how messed up my childhood made me. A failure at literally everything I touched, from making friends, to sports, to girlfriends…and it’s not that the failures in and of themselves created my identity…it’s the amount of emotions I allowed those failures to generate. Severe, painful, brutal emotions and those modes of emotion the words I was speaking out loud and in my head. I literally, from childhood seared failure and worthlessness on my heart and it has affected me greatly up until I learned the art of erasing the negative from my heart by focusing positive healthy emotions into positive healthy self talk and biblical meditation. There is a lot more I suffered and don’t get me wrong, a lot of great things in my life, but I didn’t want to bore you with any more details, but if you went through any of what I went through then start today remembering those things that caused you to write negative things on your heart and begin to one by one erase them and start seeing yourself as the you you WANT to be…not the you you convinced your heart you were back in the past. Rest assured if you programmed the bad, then you can un-program it and re-program good! Sometimes it helps to identify those things that shaped you even if you don’t feel they are affecting you…I felt the same way…no way my childhood will still be affecting me, but when I looked back, I saw the downward spiral began there and I could start to clean up the roots to all the negative thoughts.
I hope you are able to identify with this so you can be encouraged to face your past and begin to undo it’s negative programming.